Category: Sanctification

Changes in my perspective and life as I study Scripture and draw closer to the Lord.

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“I am Not Afraid. I was Made For This” Joan of Arc

I was teaching my children a Bible lesson about Nehemiah last week and found my own heart convicted as I re-told the story to my children.

Nehemiah 2:11b “…And I told no one what my God had put into my heart to do for Jerusalem…” God took hold of Nehemiah’s heart and Nehemiah committed to do what God had moved him to do, which was re-build the walls of Jerusalem. Nehemiah lived in Babylon and had to ask permission from Xerxes, the king of Babylon to go build the walls. God worked in Xerxes heart, and he agreed to let Nehemiah go and build.

God enabled and prepared Nehemiah to do exactly what Nehemiah was meant to do. God surrounded Nehemiah with people to help him in doing the work ahead of him. Even the heart of the king of Babylon was prepared to help Nehemiah do God’s will.  Like the famous quote from Joan of Ark: “I do not fear the soldiers, for my road is made open to me; and if the soldiers come, I have God, my Lord, who will know how to clear the route that leads to messier the Dauphin. It was for this that I was born!” more simply stated: “I am not afraid; I was made for this.”

We are each a Nehemiah. God has given each of us walls to build, and we are each made and placed here on earth for a divine purpose. Whatever lies ahead, is what God has created us to walk through. He has equipped us with all that we need to do what He has given each of us to do. He will even turn hearts toward or against us as He is fit to bring about His purpose.

There is much comfort in God’s sovereignty….knowing that nothing is by chance…even my life. For me, although there is much I do not know about my purpose in this time and place, I do know what God has laid on my heart to do.

Jews recently celebrated Purim at the end of February. It is a holiday that is completely about God’s sovereignty over the hearts of people and events during the reign of King Xerxes. The book of Esther describes the events in detail. I love the wisdom given to Esther by her cousin Mordecai, when Esther struggled with going to see King Xerxes on behalf of the Jews. Mordecai gently reminded Esther of God’s sovereignty in Esther 4:14 “And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Oh to rest in that thought!

God has placed me here in this time, in this place, in this family, with this husband, children, and church…for such a time as this. God has given me the task of living out the gospel in my home, church, neighborhood…basically, in whatever circumstances He has placed me. That, leaning into grace, must be played out in my soul daily. Since, God has also placed me in a specific place in time, spot on the map, marriage to a certain man, mother of four souls, church, and neighborhood. This is the place and time and people I am called to live out the gospel.

And then, there is the state of my own soul. I am called to be a disciple of Christ…to follow Him.. .to rest in His sovereign grace for the continued sanctification of my heart. With that as the foundation for my actions, anything that distracts me from that calling is sin (Nehemiah 6:13).

Like Nehemiah, as I set about to do what God has called me to do, adversaries of God will appose me. The adversaries of God, play on my emotional, human weaknesses to gain foothold in my lives, with the ultimate goal of distracting, stalling, and preventing me from doing the work that has been “put into my heart to do.”

Ammonites, Sanballat and Tobiah felt threatened by the work Nehemiah had been sent by God and his king to do. They and did their best to prevent Nehemiah from building those walls. At first, Sanballat and Tobiah used harsh, unhappy complaints and untrue accusations. When the complaints and lies failed, Sanballat and Tobiah attempted to use fear to deceive Nehemiah into hiding.

I have since pondered the debilitating affect of distractions. There are ever so many! What distractions do I embrace? Is it fear? Do I run and hide, or arm myself as I I continue the work God has set for me to do? What is the enemy using in my life to bring fear, to prevent me from building the walls of my home? From pursuing faithfully in the task the Lord has given me to do? From listening to the calling God has laid on my heart? Lies….always lies…

I Peter 5:8 warns us of the dangers of lack of discernment and distractions. “Have sound judgment. Be alert. Your adversary, the Devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour” EHV. Let me indulge this Biblical illustration from nature a bit. A Lion is a very skilled hunter. The lion is a large, loud creature, except when he is prowling. Anyone who has watched a nature documentary has seen a lion go into a stealth, hunting mode. He watches, and waits patiently…eyes slowly studying his prey. The lion seeks out the easiest targets, the young…weak…old…those separated from the herd, the unprotected, distracted, and those who are too engrossed in an activity to be alert….those who lack the wisdom to discern danger.

For a time, part of my calling is to protect four young, and weak little lambs. For me, as the mother, not to be on watchful guard against adversaries, puts my young at great risk. I am also to be alert for my own safety. Staying close to the herd, means being close to other Christians. The Shepherd watches over the herd carefully, and being near Him is also of upmost importance.

Back to Nehemiah… his discernment of the attempted deceit of the enemy is admirable. I believe he was able to make a wise decision because of his confidence in God and what God had called him to do. Instead of running to hide, Nehemiah armed himself and his men and continued to build the walls, ready to fight at a moment’s notice.

“Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes.” Nehemiah 4:18a , Nehemiah 4:21 “So we labored at the work, and half of them held the spears from the break of dawn until the stars came out. I also said to the people at that time, ‘Let every man and his servant pass the night within Jerusalem, that they may be a guard for us by night and may labor by day.’ So neither I nor my brothers nor my servants nor the men of the guard who followed me, none of us took off our clothes; each kept his weapon at his right hand. And each of the builders had his sword strapped at his side while he built.” 

But even though he was armed, Nehemiah’s enemies were bent on preventing his work from continuing. They made up lies and attempted to drive fear into his heart. Sanballat hoped fear would weaken Nehemiah’s judgement and he would run to hide!

Nehemiah 6:9 “For they all wanted to frighten us, thinking, ‘Their hands will drop from the work, and it will not be done.’ But now, O God, strengthen my hands.” Recognizing lies that are meant to distracts us from the task. Nehemiah 6:10-14 “Now when I went into the house of Shemaiah the son of Delaiah, son of Mehetabel, who was confined to his home, he said, ‘Let us meet together in the house of God, within the temple. Let us close the doors of the temple, for they are coming to kill you. They are coming to kill you by night.’ But I said, ‘Should such a man as I run away? And what man such as I could go into the temple and live? I will not go in.’ And I understood and saw that God had not sent him, but he had pronounced the prophecy against me because Tobiah and Sanballat had hired him. For this purpose he was hired, that I should be afraid and act in this way and sin, and so they could give me a bad name in order to taunt me. Remember Tobiah and Sanballat, O my God, according to these things that they did, and also the prophetess Noadiah and the rest of the prophets who wanted to make me afraid.” Nehemiah 6:19 “Also they spoke of his good deeds in my presence and reported my words to him. And Tobiah sent letters to make me afraid.

So like many other followers of Christ, I find myself constantly distracted from the work God has set before me to do. Sometimes those distractions take place completely in my head as I allow my mind to dwell on thoughts that are untrue or out of my control. Other times, it is a text message, a piece of news…I have found even good things can be completely wrong if that is not what God has tasked me to do! Like Nehemiah, I pray for discernment and wisdom as I am constantly bombarded by the enemy with distractions, fears, and lies that would consume my soul and make me unable to fulfill what God desires I do! I also need to be fully committed, and confident of God’s calling in my life. I will be easily swayed if I am unsure about what God has for me to do. It is possible to be confident in each of our callings. We might not be an apostle like Paul. But we can certainly have the same confidence as we rest in God’s sovereign alignment of circumstances, people, and locations where we are.

 

 

 

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Another Story About God

After hearing a preacher speak at an evangelistic meeting at our small Baptist church in the country, I asked my mother to pray with me to ask Jesus to forgive my sins. I was seven. I do not remember a thing about that moment, other than the story has been told to me by my mother long enough to create its own memory. At seven, I didn’t know the extent of my sins, only that I did bad things. At seven, I didn’t understand the extent of what Christ did in my place on the cross or even what “the gospel” truly meant. I only understood Jesus loved me and died on the cross for me because I was a sinner, and I also knew I did not want to go to hell when I died. Like many children raised in Christian homes, the thought of hell terrified me; along with the guilt I felt due to my sins. My thoughts of hell and my feelings of guilt brought many whispered prayers in the night…often asking Jesus that, “if I wasn’t already saved and forgiven, that He would forgive me now.”

The small Baptist church we attended was a classic in its time, every sermon ended with an alter call, the choir was the place to display one’s musical gifts, and people dressed up for church like it was a social event. Sadly that is all church was to most people. Many of my Sunday School teachers did not know much doctrine beyond what was presented in the Regular Baptist Press Sunday School curriculum. I remember once asking my Sunday School teacher why God created me. She seemed a little surprised by my question, and answered that “Maybe God was lonely and wanted friends.” I thought that sounded good, and didn’t visit that question again for a long time. And so melding humanism and Scripture began in my thinking even as a child.

In my teens, I began to focus on good works in an effort to draw closer to God. I read my Bible daily, spent time in prayer, and for a time, wore clothing that resembled the Mennonite and Amish people we lived near in Pennsylvania at the time…yes, I even wore a head covering! I felt God was truly pleased with my conservative ways.

Still, I was oblivious to the fact that I was seeking spiritual peace through my works instead of resting only in Christ for my salvation and sanctification. I prided myself in my plainness, modesty, simplicity, piety, and anything else I invented that made me feel closer to God.

Mother’s, though imperfect, can have insight into the hearts of their children that no one else has. My mother saw the contradictions in my life and heart and gently pulled me aside one day and, as Yankees do well, she bluntly spoke truth into my floundering mind. She pointed out my faults…the faults like my unkind speech, controlling nature, and lack of basic tenderness toward others due to my overblown self-image. After getting a glimpse of my true self, I remember feeling very much like a failure. The headscarf came off immediately, and I began thinking through the motivations for every behavior.

In my college years, my faith deepened as the Lord began to provide spiritual mentors in my life. Due to the friendships of some extraordinary older women, I began to see a glimpse of what it meant to live out the gospel (although that term was never used.) Grace began to become something I not only partook of, but was learning to live out what had been poured so generously on my life.

One day, while I was preparing to move on from my current place of work, my mother asked me how she could pray for me that coming week. I told her to “Please pray my husband would ask me out this week.” It was a very specific yet heartfelt prayer. Because my hunger was to marry and mother children, but I was getting older and those days were numbered. And I did not want to waste my youth in a waiting mindset. That very week a young man did ask me out! In six months, I was married to that man.

Jim had a different perspective on Scripture than me, in that He was reformed in his theology. Reformed theology was a unimportant in my opinion, so I certainly didn’t let that prevent me from marrying him. And thankfully he married me despite my lethargy about that portion of doctrine.

A year after our marriage, Jim and I were led by God to help a close pastor friend plant a church in the Midwest. The Lord provided Jim with a job that came with a free apartment if he would work maintenance for the landlord. So, Jim quit the job where he was thriving, and started in a new field of work. We felt we were making a big sacrifice to leave good jobs and family, but the Lord had in mind to bring about in our lives a blessing we had no idea existed…a church family.

Up to that point in our lives, church was truly and event and tradition, even though we believed it was biblical to attend, we missed seeing it as an essential part of our faith. In fact, both Jim and I found church very frustrating and our Christian brothers and sisters to be full of contradictions. In Nebraska, there are few traditional believers or pretend Christians. For instance, when I got hired on for my new job after our move, knowing that I was a woman of faith, the owner made it clear that she was not a religious person and would say words that might offend me. Which she did. It was actually refreshing to be around non-believers with no religious pretenses.

Our dear church grew very quickly. Being so far from our family those first years of marriage was also extremely healthy for our relationship with each other. We grew closer to God and to each other out of necessity.

But it was the family of the church that provided the greatest avenue for Spiritual growth. We were surrounded by people, who truly cared for the state of our souls. We had people praying with us and for us as we walked with God. As other Christian’s poured their wisdom into my life, my heart began to grasp biblical truths it had never before seen, and an excitement about the truths of God’s Word and the Gospel began to sprout in my heart.

One day, an older lady I met with regularly for studying Scripture and prayer, brought my attention to a sermon by an old-time preacher named, Paris Reidhead called “Ten Sheckles and a Shirt.” I listened to that sermon over and over with tears. Something clicked in my heart for the first time, as I realized my idolatry. In that Sermon, Reidhead brought up the humanistic thinking that had infiltrated the American church and I saw it abundantly in my own faith.

Questions that Reidhead brought into my head taunted my mind. Did I follow Christ only because He has promised me salvation and heaven? I concluded that God is worthy of my lifelong worship and praise even if my destiny was to be hell for my sins. The idea that God did not need me also became a reality. Even the concept, that a person is helpless to receive redemption without the drawing of the Holy Spirit (John 6:44), and that even the faith to believe is a gift of God (Eph. 2:8-9) permeated every thought. And to know that Christ did not redeem mankind to fix an unexpected mishap, but that redemption was God’s amazing plan before He created the world! (Eph. 1:4, Ro. 8:29…). God’s sovereignty began to make its appearance to me through Scripture.

I focused my thinking on the sovereignty of God, and spent hours in awe and as my heart began to understand a bit about God’s sovereign grace, and the concept that God choose me. I devoured doctrine and Scripture as though seeing it for the first time. Scripture suddenly made sense as it was placed in the perspective of devotion to God’s glory. I realized Christ did not come to redeem me for me, but for Himself. I had, without meaning too, crossed over to what many Christians call reformed thinking. Scripture passages fell into place under the perspective of God’s sovereignty. My life and all its circumstances took on a meaning beyond myself. To me, it was a turning from the humanistic perspective I had about God, Scripture, and my place in it all, and a simple resting in the God who created and ordained all things for His glory.

As my understanding grew, so did an ache in my heart for my friends and family, neighbors, my children, who must also come to realize that EVERYTHING is about God, not about us! My heart resonates with Paul “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!” Rom. 11:33. Even now, I understand but a glimpse of those depths and my heart is amazed. My theology up to that point had been so man-centered…humanistic, but the truths that John Calvin, Jonathan Edwards, and modern-day John Piper brought to my understanding from Scripture, sunk deep into my heart. My perspective turned from its humanistic marriage with Scripture to seeing Scripture through its goal to bring God glory. I still feel I have been playing doctrinal catch-up as I study Scripture up to this day.

After seven years, leaving our church family in the Midwest was truly the deepest grief we have ever felt. But the Lord had made it clear we were meant to move, and so we followed His lead with hope of finding a similar fellowship in our new territory. We thought finding a good church would be easy, but it proved otherwise.

After a year, of seeking churches, we had found nothing. We needed to find something… so we settled at a conservative, Presbyterian church and joined. After engaging in small groups for a very short time, our hearts were greatly saddened to see the lack of value placed on Scripture. In fact, no one even opened a Bible during small groups. We were floundering spiritually, and finding our hearts living in discouragement. We knew we needed the fellowship of Christians along with sound Biblical preaching. So, continuing to fellowship with the small Presbyterian church, we also started attending Sunday evening services at a mega church in order to deepen our relationship with God. We debated joining the large church, but children were not welcome in small groups there, and we really wanted our children to be a part of the church, not just a Sunday School class. After a year of attending two churches, we began praying and seeking for a church again, but with little optimism.

A month into our new church search, Jim received a call from a head-hunter for a job interview. In a short time, the Lord once again asked us to move… this time, we were determined to find a church, so we could be close to the believers we fellowshipped.

We committed the matter of a church to prayer. Once evening, Jim was browsing on his phone one evening and came a across a post from an old college acquaintance. It was a post of a worship service. “Listen to this.” He showed me. After we listened, Jim said, “I wonder where his church is…” After looking it up and seeing the church was minutes from our new location, we planned a visit. We knew after our first visit we had finally found a church home. We still marvel at God’s work.

After a summer long transition, we are two months settled into our home and absolutely cherishing our new church family and looking forward to seeing what the Lord will do in our hearts and lives as we seek Him and continue to grow.

I am in awe of what God does and how He truly encompasses our ways in life to not only physically place us in a position to draw closer to Him, but how He orchestrates every event to even give us a hunger for Himself. It is all about Him…truly everything is all about Him!

Like Mary, in Luke 1:48-50: “My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name. And his mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation.” Not because of anything I have done, but I rejoice in Him because of what He has done for His glory.

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The Value of Repetition

Christian music has been an area of controversy among Christians for generations. I think we might be finally walking out of that as doctrinally rich hymns, songs, and spiritual songs are being written.

I would like to gently address a common thought that songs that repeat the same words over and over are vain and obnoxious. My thought as I study Scripture is that repetition is a Biblical form of worship and teaching.

I see in Revelation creatures who are ceaseless in their repetition: “And the four living creatures, each of them with six wings, are full of eyes all around and within, and day and night they never cease to say, “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” Rev.. 4:8

Psalm 136 is another great example of repetition as David points out occasion after occasion where God’s “Steadfast love endures forever.” “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.  Give thanks to the God of gods,
    for his steadfast love endures forever. Give thanks to the Lord of lords,
    for his steadfast love endures forever;” Psalm 136

Repetition is not in vain unless it is said meaninglessly. Matthew 6:7-8 warns us of meaningless repetition in prayer. “And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.”

Truly there is nothing but vanity in singing anything repetativly or thoughtlessly. There is also vanity in meaningless words that lack biblical truth. Biblically untrue songs cannot be sung with a heart of genuine worship because only truth about God from Scripture is able to bring about a heart of worship.

With that said,

Repetition is part of Worship: Worship is truly all about the heart of the worshiper. Are we truly involved in our worship or just observers mouthing words? Do our eyes fill with tears when we sing of the cross. Is our heart full of awe when we sing of our Creator’s glory? Or is worship about us? Is it about the tunes and instruments we like? The songs we are familiar singing? The people we are comfortable worshiping with? Honestly, sometimes I need to repeat a phrase a few times before the concept sinks in and my heart can praise God through the truth. And then, I want to emphasize that truth and sing it louder and with more heart. Repetition is valuable in worship IF it is truthful and heartfelt.

Repetition is necessary for our souls: Yes, sometimes we sing songs that minister to our own souls. But even in those songs, what is wrong with repetition? What is wrong with reminding ourselves with repetition how good God is? We learn by repetition. We need repetition for the health of our faltering, weak, and sin tainted souls. How often we stumble and fall into the same sins of distrusting God? Failing to see His goodness? Not resting in His promises? We need to meditate on truth, which means speaking and even singing Biblical truths to our own souls repeatedly.

Oh that we would sing more repetition! Oh that we would be in awe of every word that we sing! And sing over and over and over….through all eternity…Because God is worthy of every word…over and over and over.

“Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.” Revelation 4:11

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Creating Selfless Valentine Traditions

Since I was a little girl, I learned to love Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day meant cheesecake, heart shaped cookies, and crafts with ribbons, paper doilies and lace. I don’t remember my parents always escaping alone for a date on the day. Very often it was a family celebration and we invited grandparents and friends to join us in eating cheesecake.

A few days before Valentine’s Day, my mother made the habit of setting all of us up at a table covered with stickers, glue, and red and pink paper. We spent time making Valentine’s Cards for our siblings, parents, and anyone who would be alone…widows, unmarried, and divorced friends and kin. Then she would mail them off. It wasn’t until I was in college, that I realized many people saw Valentines’s Day as “Single Awareness Day” and I had many friends who wore black because they were single and hurting. It was then that what my mother did, struck me as something truly special.

So, I continued the tradition and tried to reach out to lonely people I knew around the heart shaped holiday. As I married and had children, my children now create Valentine’s Cards to share with others…even strangers we cross during our grocery shopping trips. When my children were really small, they made stacks…and handed them out to everyone at church. Now, I mail the child created Valentines off to various souls, give them away to neighbors and friends at church and we still have more than we need.

More than we need…

Just like the love our heavenly Father has poured out on us overflows our cup of need, so I like to share His love with neighbors and friends who could use a little extra love this month as they may feel a little extra lonely.

Loneliness is an epidemic in our culture. Whether it is the sweet little lady we brush carts with in the grocery store, or the young mother carrying her new baby in a wrap close to her chest. Everyone struggles with feeling alone. Perhaps a little paper heart, or a chocolate cupcake and note helps can help those struggling hearts see a bit of the endless love poured out on us. February the 14th can be an incredible excuse to share a bit of the love that has been shown to me by my Savior. Because truly, I have more than I need.

The Lord appeared to him[a] from far away.
I have loved you with an everlasting love;
therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. Jer. 31:3

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Entering into Grief

With tears running down my cheeks, I sent out a couple quick texts to a few friends. I was bleeding… I had just lost our fourth baby. I didn’t know how to think. I was raw. One friend texted back the polite, and common response…”I am sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

My response in turn… “No, just pray. Thank you.”

But in reality, there was something they could do I just didn’t know what it was.

Then another friend texted: “I am on my way over.” I hadn’t invited her, but she was coming. I wasn’t going to tell her not to come.

A few minutes later, I was sobbing in my friend’s arms. She had even gotten to me first; before my husband could even come from work. She pulled out play-doh and sat down with my children while I made necessary phone calls to my doctor and parents.

Then another text, from another friend. “I am coming to watch your children. Go spend the afternoon out with your husband.”

As one dear friend stepped out the door, another stepped in. My husband came home, we went out for the afternoon. No treatment could have been better for us. I needed the space from my little children and a time to grieve alone with my husband. I was gifted that. I did not know it was even needed.

Then a phone call came while we were out, and another friend spent a few minutes on the phone and prayed with me. I could not speak due to my tears, but her prayer for comfort blessed my soul. I was feeling supported. I was not alone. I felt God close even in my pain. I know those first-responders were key in helping me think through my pain in a biblical way without bitterness and anger.

We arrived at home to find dinner made for our family, the dishes washed, and the children in good care. With a hug and prayer, my sweet friend slipped out the door after having her day completely altered for my behalf.

That evening, home, the children in bed, a church elder came by with his wife for ten minutes. They didn’t even sit down, but stood in our doorway and embraced us in prayer, and then quickly departed.

Sleep evaded me that night. It is hard to set aside mental pain for rest.

There was no knock, but when I went to check the mail the next morning, there on our doorstep was a very small bouquet of flowers and the sweetest note from another mother who had walked the same journey of loss. That was the only bouquet of flowers I got.

If my child had lived to be born, I might have had a few more, maybe even a plot and a stone. But, with a miscarriage, there is little that a mother has to remind herself of the treasure she once held inside of her. I pressed the flowers in the big family Bible where they are today. That is all I have to remember my baby. I have no pictures, no stories, no baby blanket…just empty hands and a bouquet of tiny pressed flowers.

Yes, even now, I am crying, and it has been several years ago. Such holes…never die, never fade, never heal…. we simply learn how to live with that emptiness and incorporate it into the person we are.

Grief… it is a hole, an emptiness inside. Grief is not always accompanied by death, but always by loss. The loss of a church family, the loss of a marriage, the loss of trust in a person, a broken friendship; the ache of a child who is alive, but no longer cares to be in touch; the permanent loss of health, the loss of a life-long dream…we all experience grief throughout our lives. We all understand it.

Why then, is it such a struggle for us to understand how to bless other people as they journey through grief? Or do we know how to bless, but find grieving people uncomfortable to be around? I have come to despise the statement: “Let me know if I can help.” It is a complete cop-out. Because, I believe we know how we should help. We are just reluctant to commit our hearts to the matter of helping. It is hard.

In response to “How can I help?” I have often heard the answer, “There is nothing you can do.” I have given that answer myself on many occasions. I have found it takes a discerning friend to know for sure if that is the case. Because I have found through seasons of grief, that very often, there is much that can be done, but the person grieving has no clue what that is! In the midst of grief it is hard to process the pain, much less the suddenly stupid tasks of life. It is important not only to have people close to us pick up the slack as we work through grief…clean, make food, care for children, yard-work, laundry, groceries, church, and work responsibilities. It is also valuable to simply show a face, give a prayer in person, and create a memory around the moment for the grieving heart to hold onto as time passes.

That weekend, a few days after my loss, I was at at church. One of my friends who knew of my heartbreak spoke nothing of my pain, no words of comfort, no prayer. She chatted with me as though nothing had happened that past week. Later, that same friend texted me to apologize for not talking about my mis-carriage. She let me know she was praying, but didn’t want to talk about it with me in case that was too hard for me. I learned a good lesson that day about what should never be done. One should never ignore the loss of a grieving person. Yes, it is going to hurt and possibly bring tears to discuss the subject. But by bringing up that loss, one is able to enter into that pain and be a part of the comfort. Even along hug without words would have sufficed. My friend completely stepped out of my grief by not acknowledging it to me. I had done the same to others in the past. My mistakes toward grieving hearts in my youth are many. Lesson Learned…Find ways to step into other’s grief. By not purposing to to step into it, you are stepping out of it.

Oh how frightened we are of saying the wrong thing and increasing a person’s grief; as a result excuse ourselves from the matter completly and make ourselfve unfit to minister to that grieving heart. I have failed in this area far too often. But lessons have been learned and I have allowed my own grief to be my teacher in such cases. I do not have to walk the same path of grief to offer support and encouragment to the grieving hearts I know. I only need to understand my own grief and step out to help them understand theirs. When I am told there is nothing that can be done, the cry of my own heart outweighs that answer. And instead I hear: “Help me please…I don’t know what to do.”

Oh sisters, Sometimes it isn’t a physical need that we are meeting, but an emotional need. The need to feel supported runs deep. As I have been loved through grief, I reach out to other grieving hearts.

  1. Be there
  2. Give a hug
  3. Write a note
  4. Flowers
  5. Food
  6. Talk about the loss
  7. Talk about the grief and pain
  8. Pray WITH the grieving person not just for
  9. Don’t have them reach out to you for help, because they won’t find ways to reach out to them with help
  10. Don’t wait for time to pass, act quickly. First responders to grief are crucial to helping a grieving heart work through the pain biblically

The point? Step boldly and quickly into the grief of others. Because when we don’t, that is when we cause pain.

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Cuddle Prayers

As each year of motherhood passes, I find myself challenged to pray more for my children. As a mother of four children, the youngest still being two, I find quiet time to prayer very difficult to schedule. I work in Bible study but for some reason I find it easier to drop and pick up a study in Scripture than a thought in prayer. As I have asked the Lord for wisdom about my need to spend more time in prayer for my children, I was expecting a revolutionary idea about how to fit an hour or two into my day for prayer. But instead, verses came to mind, convicting me about my inconsistent prayer life.

I Thessalonians 5:16-18  “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” Romans 12:12 “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Colosians 4:2 “Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.”

The prophet, Daniel, has always pricked to my heart by his testimony of faithfulness in prayer. Daniel 6:10 “When Daniel knew that the document had been signed, he went to his house where he had windows in his upper chamber open toward Jerusalem. He got down on his knees three times a day and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as he had done previously.” Even the threat of death should not deter my heart from faithful devotion to prayer. Since my faith can be freely lived out, I certainly have no excuse NOT to pray with consistent faithfulness.

Prayer is not something to only set aside for moment of quiet, but to be a thread woven into every thought and event throughout the tapestry of every day. Prayer for my children can easily be incorporated as I interact with them throughout the day. I can pray not only for my children, but with them, during disciplinary moments, around school lessons, before bed, at mealtimes. 

As I have worked through these thoughts, I have found that snuggle moments are amazing opportunities to lift my children’s hearts to the Lord…my husband too! 

All of my children LOVE to cuddle. When they wake up in the morning, each one of them is hungry to curl up in a groggy stupor and sit with me for a bit until their brains get in gear. These moments are wonderful times for me silently whisper cries to God for drawing their little hearts to Himself. It also helps me as a mother to be reminded of the eternal purpose I have been given in mothering each of the dear little souls entrusted to me.

Throughout the day, I am provided with other moments of snuggling with my children, rocking my tot for nap time, holding an injured little girl until her hurt fades, taking a momentary break to squeeze one of my little girls before we begin reading lessons, a long hug after discipline, after a nap, or during times of illness…the day is full of such moments that I now use for prayer. 

As my children lay down their heads for sleep at night, another opportunity to snuggle arrives. I like to spend a moment with each child to chat, read, or simply snuggle. Sometimes we pray out-loud together, sometimes I pray out-loud for them, sometimes, a silent heartfelt prayer fills my soul. But I like to pray for each little one under my care before they fall to sleep.

So, yes, I have found snuggle prayers to be a day-altering habit for me. Prayer for my children helps me as a mother maintain an eternal focus. I also have found, that it is easy for me as a mother to feel like the burden of child-raising, home-schooling, health, is on my shoulders, and I NEED to fall into the arms of my Savior and “snuggle” with Him throughout the day. I can rest in Him completely to do what is best in my children’s lives, to give me wisdom as a mama, and to hold the burdens I feel I must carry as a mother. He, after all, loves my children far more than I do. Psalm 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

“He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.” Isaiah 40:11

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Reveling in Weakness Isn’t Reveling in Christ

“Pop!” An explosive sound came from the microwave behind me. I turned around in time to see my sister open the microwave door to a mess of scrambled egg and shells all over the inside of the microwave.

“What did you do?” I asked in wonderment.

“You said to put a whole egg in the microwave to cook it.” my sister responded.

I had not realized what an Amelia Bedelia she was in the kitchen! I assumed she would think to crack the egg into a bowl before putting it in the microwave. But I guess that didn’t occur naturally to her. So was the plight of my sister in the kitchen.

In general, my sister did not have a knack for home-making. She struggled figuring out recipes, and her personal touches in her baking and cooking, often ended up being more like science experiments gone wrong. She was sloppy, and unmotivated to clean or straighten up. My sister liked things neat, but was also at perfect peace in a space that was not neat. She could take a nap beside a pile of unfolded laundry without feeling any urgency to fold it for a few days. She and I both felt her homemaking future was dismal. She often told me that she knew it was not her gift. She accepted that. I accepted that. And so life went on.

My sister, went to Bible college, met, and married a man called to minister. She is now a pastor’s wife and mother of three. Due to her husband’s work, my sister’s world is full of hospitality, food, and an ever revolving door to her home. Her husband, like most pastors, is a busy, stressed, and always on-call. He relies heavily on his wife to manage the home and prepare food for the family and ever present guests.

A few years ago, my sister chatted with me on the phone and made the comment that she was convicted by her pride in her lack of skill cooking and home-making! I was taken back by her comment because I didn’t see pride in her Ramen noodle dinners.

“Oh yes!” She she said. She had been in a conversation with some ladies and realized they were all reveling in the fact they could not cook. They were enjoying making fun of their shortcomings. She realized, she enjoyed flaunting her inability to cook.

She assured me, that the humble thing to do, would be to seek home-making help and learn how to bake, cook, clean, grocery shop, and manage her household better. She saw that she would be able increase her ability to minister to her husband, family, and others if if she could improve herself. So she read books, asked advice, and became a humble learner.

Through her testimony, I see the gospel. The gospel is a poor, destitute, human, who, not only sees the failures and sin of his or her heart, but seeks help from the Savior to redeem and sanctify. The gospel, is realizing one’s complete inability to change and embracing Christ, the ONLY ONE who can bring forgiveness and a changed heart.

It takes a humble person to ask for help. I find it easy to make light of the areas I fail, and sadly, I can even consider the acceptance of my shortcomings virtuous. Reveling in my inabilities is not a virtue. Pride blinds me to areas I need to change in my life, if I can get past the pride to see my need of change, then even more humbling, I need to seek help from the Lord and other believers in my inability to bring about growth in my life in areas I am weak.

Yes, flaws, sin, in-capabilities are part of who we are as human. But the gospel is where we find freedom. In Christ, there is forgiveness of sins, power to change, and even direction on how to get from here to someone who can better glorify God. As women, God not only provides the Holy Spirit, Scripture, husbands, and elders in our church to aid us in our sanctification, but God has instilled and knows the value of relationships and practical solutions in our lives as women. In Titus 2, Paul asks older women to also help those who are younger in their journey. God is gracious to give Th so much help given to those of us women who flounder in specific areas of our lives. “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2:3-5. Our struggles in marriage, children, home-making, attitude, bad habits, control, emotions, addictions, all can be faced and changed through the gospel as we seek the help and wisdom from older, godly women. We are not alone! In our culture, church is a great place to start finding that help, but books and internet can also be a good source of direction. And as older women, we do not have to be perfect in every area of life to aid those in need. We can even share mistakes we have made, and prevent others from following a miserable path we took.

My dear sister began a journey to build home-making, cooking, and hospitality skills quite a few years ago. She sought advice, read books, and became a humble learner on subjects she had previously closed her mind toward. Now my sister can cook a delicious meal without breaking into a sweat of fear. In fact, she hosts church and family dinners in her home several times a week. She would probably still say that cooking does not come naturally to her, and she probably still has some crazy turnouts in her kitchen. But what has changed is her heart on the matter. Instead of being prideful of her inability, she has taken refuge in God’ strength and humbly seeks help as needed.

My sister was right. It is my pride, that prevents me from humbly seeking help and changing. If I do not acknowledge my weakness and seek help to change, I do not allow God’s strength to be glorified through my weakness. I simply live with my weakness and carry on unchanged. My goal in life is to bring God glory in all I do. That is my purpose from creation.

Through my sister’s weakness in the kitchen, I see God’s strength. God always seems to call me to do what I am unable to do. But through that inability, He keeps me resting in His strength. He keeps me humbly asking for help. And because of my shortcomings, God can be glorified, instead of me, myself, and I, glorying in what I am able to do without relying on Christ and seeking help. It is all because of Him!

“For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” I Corinthians 1:1-26

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Becoming a Companion Helper

I have been married twelve years now. I am still learning so much about marriage and my role as a wife.

My primary desire in life is to bring God glory in all I am and in all I do. With that foundation at the core of my theology, my heart is continually made aware of how often I fail!

I have discovered that the greatest area of failure is in marriage…true. Honestly, I think it is because I do not perceive marriage as the God given ministry that He ordained it to be. In particular, I fail to see my role in marriage as the ministry it has been created to be. My husband’s ministry in marriage is a little more clear to me than my own…especially when he fails in his ministry of marriage…sad right?

I have read book after book on the biblical purpose of marriage and in particular of being a wife. I have learned much from such resources, but like everything, what we know in our heads is useless, if that knowledge is not applied practically in our lives.

As Genesis 2 states, a woman was created FOR the man to be HIS HELPER.

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Gen 2:18

That verse says so much in a few words. As I have pondered it, I collected a few insights from that verse. Many more are to be had, and still more as that verse can be paired with so many other passages in Scripture. But for starters, here are a few thoughts…

1) Adam was is in need of very specific help. God, the creator, would not have created such a complex creature (woman) to fill a need that could have been filled by a simpler creation. I would even venture to guess that woman is God’s most the most complex creation. LOL.

2) Adam wasn’t necessarily aware he had a need. He also wasn’t aware of how he needed help. God is the one who saw Adam’s need and knew exactly what kind of creature (woman) would be a perfect fit for Adam. God knows His creation better than the created knows itself!

3) Eve, the wife, was created…tailor made by God… to be exactly what Adam needed. She was created FOR Adam, not Adam for her. Adam, already existed. Eve was created to fill his need.

4) The need Eve was created to help Adam with was companionship. Adam was ALONE…God did not see that as good. Adam needed a partner, someone with whom to enjoy and share life.

5) God is brought glory as the Creator, when His creation strives to fulfill the purpose for which it was created. What a beautiful couple Adam and Eve must have been together before the entrance of sin into the world and the curse sin brought! Talk about the perfect marriage!

Thinking on those concepts from Scripture, my heart is truly enlightened as I contemplate my modern marriage.

It is hard to have a Biblical marriage without ideas from the sinful world tainting it! Even among church people I have found misconceptions of biblical marriage.

As I said earlier, knowledge of truth alone is irrelevant if it is not lived out.

So how do I seek to live out what I learn about biblical marriage? Honestly, this is an ongoing process for me. I am still learning. And expect I always will be…at least I hope so!

1) Focus on being a companion helper. I was not created to change my husband. I was not created to be my husband’s housekeeper. I was not created for the purpose of being a mate and procreation. I was not created to disciple my husband…I will leave that to other men in the church. I was created simply to be the perfect friend, companion, earthly hand-holder for my husband. So completely simple, yet marred by the complexities of my sinful nature. And so I fail in my purpose time and time again.

How do I focus on being a companion helper? Honestly, I could use more tips in this arena of thinking, because for me, I find it easy to think I am accomplishing my purpose by helping my husband in almost every other way, except being there. I help him by caring for his home, cooking wholesome food, supporting his callings and interests in life, submitting to him, washing and pressing his clothes, doing jobs and errands for him…yes, I truly enjoy ministering to my husband by meeting his material and physical needs. But I greatly err if I think that is the purpose I was created by God to fulfill for my husband! Those tasks can actually cause me to check the “helper” box off without actually fulfilling the one glorious need of my husband that I was created to fill. My husband needs my companionship, far more than my service!

So, going back to the drawing board…what makes a true friend? What defines a faithful companion?

An endearing creature like the Golden Retriever provides a descent illustration of companion helper.

That sweet old dog is simply there…there waiting with expectation at the window for his human friend to return. That dog leaps, and wags in circles of excitement when his human walks in the door. When the dog’s friend invites him along, that pooch leaps into the truck and tag along with his friend, it makes no difference where they are headed, he is just glad to be with his human friend. At home, that dog, lays around watching his human friend rake autumn leaves outdoors and then follows him from room to room around the house. That dog is always there. He doesn’t care if his friend is a drunk, a murderer or a prince. That dog doesn’t care what his friend does for a living…rich or poor. That dog will stick close to his human friend until death. And the dog will look longingly down the road for hours when his human companion packs up for a journey without him. Much more could be and has been said concerning the faithful friendship of a dog. But my point has been made. I have much to learn about companionship from God’s creation.

There are a few habits that are part of my life that are also helpful in keeping me mindful of my purpose to my husband.

1) Greet my husband in the morning, see him off to work with kisses, and welcome him home with excitement and more kisses. Unless I am sick or have a newborn that always happens. My husband never leaves the house without a kiss.

2) Colliding in the day with affection. Weekends my husband is usually home. We both often have household tasks to get done, but as we pass in the hall, or when I take him tea while he works, or such we interact with affection for a moment and in essence join our diverse days.

3) Listening time. When my husband returns home from work, I like to hear about his day. I like to know how he is doing since I haven’t had any or very little contact with him all day. I want to know his conversations and his take on the day he had. It makes me feel connected to him, although we haven’t shared the same experiences in the day. In turn, I connect him to mine and we talk about what we both did. I sometimes find this end of the day connection is easy to disregard as children clamber for attention, dinner is being cooked, or my current emotional state blocks my freedom to communication. I usually like him to share his day first, but there are days I need to clear the air with my thoughts so I can emotionally connect with him. Thankfully, I am married to a very understanding man. It can sometimes take a lot of effort to have a daily conversation about the day!

4) Spend alone time together…every day. We began the habit of putting our children to bed early from their birth…7pm in fact. We are pretty faithful with that time. It gives me and my husband a couple hours of time alone before we too go to bed. Unless we are in the midst of an unusual season, we don’t go our separate ways and do our separate things. Whatever we do, it is done together…read, watch a show, decorate and wrap gifts, work on a house project. Yes! There have been many an evening my husband has a project like a plugged drain, faucet replacement, painting, or light fixture installation to do in the evening. I do not let him work alone. I do not have the knowledge or ability to do some of those things, so like the king retriever, I pull up a chair and keep him company those evening he has work to do. I do not sit there on my phone either…I chat with him, ask dumb questions about what he is doing, and simply enjoy being there with him. It is simple. My husband does travel for work. Those days we cannot be together we spend time talking on the phone…and always text a “good-morning” and “goodnight.” That is what a dear friend would do right?

5. Make his life mine. This is still an ongoing process. I feel that even though we have been married twelve years, we both are changing and growing in the Lord. I strive to have interest in what interests my husband. I might not gave the enthusiasm for NASCAR that he has, but I do not brush it off has “his thing.” It is “our thing.” He has taught me a lot about the ins and outs of the sport. And I seek to know what is going on and will go to races, watch them with him, and support his interest. NASCAR is part of who I am married to, and therefore, important to me. The same with my husband’s job, past, family, dreams, goals… what is important to him and a part of him is also important to me because I love him, I want to be a part of every aspect of his life.

6. Work together. If my husband has a lot to do, I seek to be there and help him get it done. If he needs quiet to write a school paper, I take the children out to a park. If he has enormous yard work and there is something I am able to do, I scrap my plans and join in his. As a couple we minister together. What ministries he chooses to embrace, I fully support, either by joining in too, or by tending to the children and other responsibilities at home so he is free to serve. I have no complaints on that subject. We are in God’s work together and any way we can bring God glory by loving others is a win win in my opinion.

7. Walk through life…holding hands. This may seem like sweet sentiment to some, but in reality the symbolism is powerful. We don’t let go of each other’s hands in a metaphorical context. There is no division of “his life” and “her life”, of “his goals” and “her goals,” “his problems” and “her problems…” It is OUR life, Our goals, and OUR problems… When times are hard we tighten our grip and pull each other up (emotionally) as needed. We are there for each other. Being close to someone involves a constant mental connection. We have that with the Lord as Christians. I believe it is also possible to have that as a married couple. It is trashing the individual mindset and focusing on the mindset of a coupled team. I strive to let my husband never feel alone. I am WITH him in heart, body, mind, and soul.

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Busy Seasons of Rest

I sank down on the sofa. A straight week of working till midnight and rising at five. I was beat.

Everyone has their limitations, but for me, those limitations had passed without my notice. I was in the zone. My brain was engaged and so was my body.

My husband and I just bought a house in much need of cleaning and repairs before we could even move in. We worked and worked without the regular concern for ourselves.

It felt good to work hard and see so much accomplished. I had energy and excitement in what I was doing. I slept very little, but also very hard. It was an adventure.

We moved in and so began a whirlwind of unpacking boxes. I wanted to get life in some version of order so I could be in a good position to begin our slightly delayed school lessons.

Two weeks after we moved in, I jumped into school lessons withe the children. My mind got in gear and sleep eluded me. I had so much to do! Home repairs, meals, laundry, cleaning, and now school… Up at 3 a.m. this time. Days simply were too short to accomplish what had to be done! I felt like life was in a constant state of “catching up.” I desperately needed those four hours every morning before the children woke up. I kept going and going…

This is the virtuous woman right? Rising early to prepare for her household? God would give me strength…

Then my body had enough. My ability to control my emotions plummeted. My nerves were raw. I was becoming unpleasant and unpredictable in nature. My weak nervous system began to groan with the bodily an emotional stress.

One day, I went out to get a paintbrush for a bit of priming in the kitchen, only to discover every paintbrush I had used was a hard, rock. I had neglected to wash them properly a few days earlier, and now they were unusable. Bummed, that another day’s work would be delayed until I could get a new brush, my heart swelled with emotions.

I was tired… and I knew it. Suddenly, that crusty paintbrush became a teacher to my heart. Because I realized, that paintbrush was me.

Just like that paintbrush, I am a tool, a tool that is meant to bring the Master glory as I do what He asks each day. For me, God’s work often includes changing a poopy diapers, scrubbing spots off the carpet, teaching four little hearts about God, kissing the man I love, and embracing an unexpected conversation with the neighbor for an hour.

With constant use, and neglect of basic care, any tool will eventually wear out, rust over, be used up, or fall into disrepair. To be of use, a tool needs to be given rest, cleaning, and attention.

It is important to take regular, consistent time for self maintanance and care. that thought, the word “renewal” is very fitting. Renewal is the replenishing of green and life after the deadness and cold of winter. Renewal is the quiet rest of an injured beast beside a cool stream. Renewal a glass of water that has been drunk dry, being refilled with fresh cool water. Renewal is a rusty, old car being given a tune-up and puttering on the road again. Renewal is a weary traveler falling into a soft bed at a hotel, for a night rest before continuing on his journey. Renewal continues until the journey’s end. Renewal is part of the natural cycle of life… physical and spiritual. Renewal, is fresh, quiet, rest, constant, and replenishing…it is a beautiful word.

Take time for Spiritual Renewal:

Romans 12:1-8 pairs beautifully with the value of spiritual renewal in my life.

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.”

Oh my, what a passage to meditate upon during busy seasons of life! How easy it is to conform to worldly acceptable behaviors as my schedule fills up and stressful, crazy days become regular features in my life. Stress, worry, fear, complaining, exhaustion are truly patterns of a heart that is worn out and not renewed. It is essential that I prioritize time in each day for mental renewal and falling into those wonderful mercies that are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). By taking the time to mentally rest and reboot, my mind is renewed. Honestly, renewing my mind is key to allowing God to work through me daily.

There are many ways to renew spiritually. I find worship and prayer with other believers to be at the top of my list. Quiet time in prayer is wonderful as well. Fasting added to prayer is a very focused way to renew spiritually. Studying Scripture has often filled me with fresh joy and awe of God as well. Sometimes, all I can fit into a day is what I fill my ears with as I go…Biblical teaching, preaching, and worship music are invaluable on days that turn upsidedown.

Take time for physical Renewal:

Sometimes a doctor visit, nutritional supplements or medicine is needed to help a mother be her best. Sometimes a daily bath is necessary to calm nerves and heal a weary body. Sometimes a nap must be a daily priority. During seasons, I have found a cup of chamomile tea essential before bed, in order for a good night sleep to occur. Of course, healthy eating, exercise, and drinking adequate water can help a Mama feel her best as well. I feel it is important to build healthy habits into my day. A savory breakfast is an essential start to my morning. A woman should feel no guilty for giving her body the rest it needs to perform the tasks set before it. However, she should feel guilt if she is unable to perform what God has given her to do because she fails to seek out needed help for her health, eat wholesome food, skip meals, neglect a reasonable bedtime, or as I was at fault…even rising too early! Caring for my body is part of what makes me able to be an effective sacrifice to God’s work through me.

So many women like myself fall into the trap of thinking that self-care is selfish. We neglect needed rest, nutrition, and general maintenance of the tool (our bodies) we have that is made by God, in God’s image and for God’s own glory. Yes, self-care can become idolatry, pride, and selfishness. I have learned to keep in balance my self-care by asking myself, if by doing “______________” will I will be better able to minister and serve my Savior? Often the answer to that question determines my action.

I have learned that in both the busiest, most stressful seasons of life, as well as on the days with a regualar beat, it is easy for the spiritual and physical life to become neglected. For me, the result is attitude, ingrattitude, worry, fear, and lack of focus. I loose my awe of Christ. I loose my purpose in life. I become emotionally and physically raw and needy. In essance, I succumb to being controlled by earthly things instead of the Holy Spirit, and am unable to effectivly and joyfully fullfill my service to God.

Renewal is essential to my journey, and the journey of all Christians. Renewal was even given an entire day of the week in creation! It is essential to both our physical and spiritual well-being, just as it is important to properly use and clean a paintbrush while its services are needed.

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Little Whos are People Too

“Come on little whos, let’s hurry to the car!” I tried to hurry my four children into the van after an afternoon library trip. Their arms were full of as many books as they could carry. The wind had brought an autumn chill to the air. And each child was stammering complaints, hunched over; their arms full of books while they sluggishly moved toward the van in the parking lot.

“My little whos”… sigh… I often find myself latching onto temporary pet names for my children. Often a made up word rolls off my tongue… “Peetalpie,” “Bottlebee” or “Pumpkin Heart” It is literally whatever is on my mind in any given moment.

Lately, my children have been called “Whos.” Anyone familiar with the story, Horton Hears a Who, written by Theodor Seuss Geisel, AKA Dr. Seuss, is also familiar with the quote, “A person’s a person, no matter how small.” The speck of the city of Whoville, filled with microscopic people called Whos, has become iconic to all Dr. Suess fans.

For me, calling my children “whos” began very much by accident, but as I have caught myself recently using that particular pet name, I have been pondering how important it is for to me to see each of my children, and every child with whom I interact, as a true person, complete with feelings, understanding, and heart.

So often, like most Mamas, I neglect seeing my little ones as people. I see children as responsibilities, sometimes interruptions or inconveniences, sometimes loads of fun and cuteness; certainly minds and bodies to be trained and tended… but yet… despite any perception I might be currently feeling toward my child, my underlying focus must be to be aware of that child’s person-hood.

It is essential that I look into those little eyes and listen to the chatter of the soul within. I am not talking of a child centered version of parenting, or a mama loosing her identity as Mother and becoming simply a buddy with her child.

I am valuing the intentional engagement of a child as a person. Treating a child as a visible and an aware being, is essential to raising children who behave responsibly and grow up. Not demeaning, ignoring, or talking over a child are part of that concept. It is also important to engage a child in grown-up concerns, thoughts, and responsibilities, as well as seriously engaging in a child’s little world of cares, play, and thrills.

I have found that when I perceive my children as persons, my conversation and expectations follow suit.

There are many ways an adult can show value to a child’s person hood.

A real person has feelings, fears, struggles, hard things (yes, even little ones!), frustrations, perspectives, ideas, awareness…

A child who is not treated like a person is perceived as a lower grade than an adult, feelings are not considered, what the child sees and hears about himself or herself is what is heard about Him instead of to him. A child is belittled. A child is ignored. Basic greetings and etiquette are not given to a child, nor expected from a child. Essentially, a child is endured, trained, and educated, yes, even loved, but not truly known or enjoyed. I do not want that to be my children. Have I failed? Often do and still will. But, I strive to value my little whos for the precious individuals God created them to be.

I have found a few helpful thoughts and actions can practically aid in my desire to see past the height and current development of my child and into the person they are.

1) Inclusion into the events of my world. I like my children to know what is going on in my life. I don’t sneak or hide situations from them for convenience sake. For instance, I have often had a friend or even both Jim and I, friends, over in an evening after the children’s bedtime. I do tell my children that someone is coming over after they are in bed. Yes, they would not know the difference if I didn’t tell them, but it makes good conversation the next morning as my little whos inquire how my evening went, and if I had a good visit. They are a part of my life and I want them to know I will be visiting after they are in bed should they need me, as well as being aware of what is going on. I also want them to respect me as a person and my need for friendships and time with others. Everyone doesn’t exists for my children and my life belongs to God and His work, which includes my children but is not exclusively about them.

2) Providing information on life events is also important. When children are not yet readers, they have no way of knowing what is happening. I like to read to them a lot, from grocery store adds to signs on the road. I also like them to be informed about the happenings in our family life a few days in advance…if we are going to get groceries, a doctor appointment, a weekend at Grandma’s house. I want them to have as few surprises in life as possible, so I try to keep them in the loop as much as I am able.

5) Being transparent with a child is a communication opener. I must be honest in conversation and let them know I am also human. I let them know when I am having a hard day. I apologize when I am grumpy and unreasonable…or simply wrong in my judgement. I let them know areas in my life that the Lord is working on me. We talk about it. It interests them. They grow from seeing my humanness and I find it breaks down walls and opens conversations into discussing their humanness.

6) Make eye contact during conversations. As adults, we respect and value friends who truly care about us. Those are the ones we know listen when we speak. Those friends who ask how we are doing and really want to know… Why? Because true friends focus on what we say. As a mother, part of raising my children is listening to them. Yes, the little ramblings of their hearts may seem shallow and sweet to me now, but how often I have landed in a deeper, heartfelt conversation with my child, because I took a moment to look in their eye and ingest their ramblings!

7) Don’t talk about a child as though he or she is invisible while that child is standing in ear-shot, hearing every word. Doctor appointments are sometimes the most difficult for me, because I am there to inform the doctor about any concerns I have with my child, while my child is in the room! Awkward! In general, I do not talk about my children while they are in the room. I do my best to include them in the conversation I am having with someone.

8) Do not let a child defer responsibility to Mama. I do not consider it selfish to make my children think of me or apologize to me for causing me inconvenience. If my child causes a mess that I have to pick up, I point out how inconsiderate that was of her or him, and demand their apology. I also stress that they care for other humans in need, even each other. I don’t want them to see the trouble of someone else, like a sibling, as Mommy’s responsibility, but theirs as well. For instance, if one of my daughters falls on the sidewalk, while her sister is swinging on a swing a few feet away, the sissy who is swinging needs to rush to injured sissy’s aid. I have some children that see the needs of others more readily than others. I have had to teach my children to rush to help, not wait for mommy, but be responsible themselves. I often find now, that my children run to each other for consolation and a bandage instead of mommy. It does my heart good to finish fold my laundry and be greeted by two of my girls, one who has already been bandaged up and tears dried, as they inform me of how the scrape occurred. Taking personal responsibility others in  trouble is compassion. As well as taking responsibility for ones own messes is important. I am potty training my little son. He is doing well, but still has occasional accidents. If he has an accident, I have trained him to come get me, but it is his job to clean up his own poop. I don’t do it. I might sanitize after he is done, but he needs to learn to clean up his own messes as much as he is able. If a child makes a mess they are incapable of setting right…a broken dish for instance. I do ask them to apologize to me for the broken dish and extra work. If they are able, and it is safe, I will include them in helping me clean or repair the damage done.

9) Include children in the hard things. Children should understand death, suffering, pain, trauma, and poverty, are all a part of life. I do not shelter my children from such things at any age. As much as I am able, I include my children in hospital visits, funerals, and in prayer for those we know who are in crisis. I never underestimate the prayers of a child. It is also invaluable for them to learn how to respond and treat others during hard times. Even as an adult, I am still figuring out how to respond to various situations, so what I learn, I pass on to my children. I like include them in real life scenarios from birth, and do not believe it is healthy to shelter them from the rough stuff in life.

10) Keeping my word is essential to building trust and dependency with adults as well as children. So many adults give false promises or even threats to their children. It is easy to say words like “We are going home if you act out one more time” But with three other children and a doctor appointment in an hour, keeping that promise is going to cause a lot of trouble, or it won’t be kept. Even, ” Grandpa and Grandma are coming in a couple days,” Can be cause for confusion should they get sick and be unable to make it. So, I do my best to consider the promises or warnings I give my children. I do not commit to anything I am unable to fulfill. I say “maybe” and “we will see.” lot… Life is uncertain, so I like to leave a lot of open ends in our plans in case God changes things. My children have become familiar with the phrase, “If God says “yes” or “no” … we don’t know yet.” I also do not make many promises to my children. Nothing is for certain, and I as an adult am still trying to live in that mindset.

11) My favorite part of treating my child as a person is engaging in the amazing wonderments and thoughts of their little minds. I engage in every question, no matter how personal or complicated. I do not shelve subjects for a later time or date. I believe every question can be answered with an age appropriate response. If my five year old daughter want to know how babies begin inside, I simply say that “God works a beautiful miracle and puts a tiny person inside a mommy.” My six-year-old asked once why God created His enemy Satan, which caused me to read up a bit and led into an amazing discussion about the gospel and a God who planned redemption before creation. I love the questions my children have, and do my best to capture the moment, not making them wait until they are older or find the answer impersonally from another source.

12) Etiquette is showing love to others including little others. I try to be polite in front of my children! I don’t “let it go” while they are about. I say “please” and “thank-you” to them. Now, I might spend some time rolling around on the floor in a tickle frenzy with them, but that doesn’t mean I am “not” a lady. I find the foundation of every etiquette book I have read to simply be,loving others. What shows the best consideration and kindness to someone else in a given moment is what is polite. I do insist my children show the best kindness they can to others as well. “Please” and “Thank you” are required, as is “good morning.” I make a point to greet all of my children cheerfully each day with “good morning.” They naturally return the greeting. For meals, we sit at the table and converse while we eat. I do not allow my littlest children to run about while the rest of the family eats dinner. If a child is done eating early, I ask them to look around, “Daddy is not done, Mommy is not done, sissy is not done…you can sit and wait….tell Daddy something you learned in school today.” My children have learned to ask to leave the table. One does not just get up when he or she is done and leave the room. My children even ask if they can get something during the meal like salt or some more water… we are all learning, little by little, what it means to be considerate of others and how very important that is.

13) I never ever, ever lie to my children or allow my children a lie. I realize this may be a controversial subject to some mothers. But, this is simply what I do and why. I do teach my children there are lies that exist. For instance, we don’t lie to our children about Santa Clause. They know Santa is used in the celebration of Christmas, especially by people who don’t know Christ. We don’t avoid storybooks or movies about him, but we make sure our children know Santa is not real, and we do not include him in our celebration of Christmas, and our children know why. We do the same with the tooth fairy. Our children happily announce that their Daddy is the tooth fairy. I also tell my children about the lie of evolution. Saying that there are people who do not believe in God and need an explanation for how the world began instead of by God, so evolution has been that lie for many years. Telling my children a lie, and telling them about a lie are very different in my mind. There are many lies out their from body image to immorality that my children will encounter. I do not need to add to that by lying to my children. And honestly, it is just as equal a sin to lie to an adult just as it is to a child. Deceit is a lie as well. I do not intentionally trick or deceive my children into doing something. I do not make up quippy answers to their sincere questions either. Even in fun, lying can be harmful. How often has someone said something in jest that hurt. That person can brush it off as just a joke and blame me for taking it wrong, but it hurt. Either it was untrue and should not have been said, or it was true and the idea it was a joke was a lie.

Those are truly a few of the various methods I find helpful to treat my little whos as people. I honestly owe much of my thinking on the subject to my mother who was a shining example in treating me as a person…no matter how small. She often told me how important it was for her to say “goodbye” to her children before leaving them in a church nursery or with a sitter. She never scooted off while we were occupied. She treated even her little blabbering babies with common respect.

I realize, seeing from the perspective of a little mind, body, and heart can be challenging for some, and even I who endeavor to show the respect of person-hood to my children, fail so often. But I am comforted that it is not entirely impossible, because we were all little whos once too. And in God’s eyes, we will always be little, yet with such gentleness, tenderness, and compassion He leads us!