As Christians, we believe we are accountable to God for every thought and every word. What we say matters.
It takes great discernment to learn what must be told to someone else and what must be kept quiet. I believe that learning how and what to share about others begins in childhood.
Training my children about what is appropriate to talk about begins with my example. I learned at a young age by watching my mother tell a person that she did not want to hear something they were telling her about someone else. My husband’s mother taught him to tactfully change the subject when there was a conversation started that was full of slander or gossip. My children watch me, and how I talk about others to others is heard by them on a regular basis. Slander and gossip ought not to have a place in my speech. I also do not share with my child the wrongdoings of his or her sibling. If a child is caught and given consequences, my husband and I do not make that public. We take the offending child into privacy and deal with the matter. If our other children want to know what happened, we make it clear that it is not their business.
I also speak and repeat to my children what is appropriate to tell others and what needs to be kept to oneself.
What to Share:
- Emergencies: If there’s an urgent situation or someone’s safety is at risk, I encourage my children to tell me. I want them to know what situations are urgent and need my immediate attention.
- Disobedience: When someone is actively disobeying a rule or command, as that child’s parent, I do want to know so I can correct my child. Although it may be considered tattling for one child to tell on another, I do consider obedience a primary concern and will deal with a situation if a child tells me about it.
What Not to Share:
- Past Grievances: I do not want my children to remind me of conflicts or grievances they have had in the past with siblings. I want them to learn to forgive and leave what has been forgiven behind them. I have taught all of my children I Peter 4:8 and remind them of that if a past and forgiven issue surfaces again. “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” Today, my children know it is time to stop talking when I say, “love covers.”
- Slander and Gossip: It has not been difficult to teach my children the pain of gossip or slander. They have all experienced the pain of unkind things said behind their back. I emphasize showing grace and love to others in our conversations as well as in our behavior towards other people.
Who to share with:
I have also learned that there are people who need to be told something because it IS their business. As a mother, most of what my children say and do is my business because I am responsible for them. But there are other people who can be told things that we would not tell everyone, except whose business it is. Doctors can be told personal health concerns. Counselors can be told about relationship problems and difficulties one might have with another person. A police officer can be told grievances about others. Pastors and spiritual leaders can be asked to pray and help in specific personal matters that one should not share with everyone in general. I want my children to know that telling a person information so they can help is not the same as gossip or slander.
As Christian parents, we strive to raise children who embody love, patience, and kindness. By teaching them discernment in conversation, we equip them to navigate relationships with grace and love.
I Corinthians 13:4-7
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
